For Weinerman's Sake

Testosterone and tension filled the air. It was thick enough to cut with an ACME chain saw. That's right . . . I said ACME. The sort of diabolical tool that you would expect of Wyle E. Coyote or another of his Warner Bros. compadres. For this was the event, the main match . . . this was Mascot Wars Dodge Ball presented by WB39 - the Warner Bros. TV channel in Houston. The line had been drawn in the sand. Well, the tape had been laid across the basketball court on which the competition would be held. To the right stood a motley crew of name and amateur competitors: Freddie the Flea, WB's own Michigan J. Frog, Scooby-Doo, the James Coney Island Weinerman, Lucky Dog and King Tux the Penguin, and an unimpressive, top-heavy Duck that kept repeating, "Smoking is Fowl." To the left of center court was the cocky competition. A team of two challengers so confident in their ability that they would take on the team of eight. Who were these macho manglers? Toro, the long-horned, steroid popping, bull mascot of the Houston Texans NFL franchise, and Chilie Dog, the equally as buff and vicious-looking, half-breed K-9 from the Houston Aeros professional hockey team. The scene brought back long-buried memories of recess dodge ball at Midway Elementary School. There I stood on one side of center with Butch Credille, John Berger, Ken Norton and Steve Mitchell. Across the court they stood, snorting smoke from their nostrils, fire in their confident eyes. We knew them, we feared them: Bill Ogle and Mike Meyers. Two against five . . . we were doomed. That pre-pubescent dodge ball blood bath 40-years ago went much the way of this mascot event. Balls were hurled at cannon-shot speeds and less aggressive teammates fell to the floor and were called out by the man with a whistle. When the smoke had cleared, Toro and Chilie Dog were victorious and the beaten band of misfit mascots looked on in defeat. But, one has to wonder . . . will the dodge ball bashing suffered by the James Coney Island Weinerman haunt his dreams years from now the way that my defeat has haunted me from time to time? For Weinerman's sake and for the sake of his wife and little weiners, I hope not... I sincerely hope not.