ShamWow! Poor Timing

A hurricane just left the southeast Texas coast. Ike was a monster.

Thousands of people have been displaced, millions inconvenienced, and at last count a handful have been killed. But, despite the catastrophy commerce must go on according to some telemarketers and online pitchmen.

One day after the storm a co-worker received a phone call at the office that went something like this.

"Hello."

"Uh, this is Ms. Totallyoblivious calling from T-Mobile regarding the contract on your cell phone."

"Excuse me . . . but, you're not from Houston are you?" he asked.

"Why, no. Why do you ask?"

"We've just had a HURRICANE here," he said.

To which she responded, "I'm sorry to hear that. Are you okay?"

"Yes," he said.

"Good. Now back to your T-Mobile contract!"

He hung up.

Before the wind gusts had dropped to 65 miles per hour, similar corporate boneheads were firing off emails into areas around Houston with no phones, no water, limited gasoline, impassible roads and no electricity.

Though clearing the yard of debris was my priority, the Blackberry constantly buzzed with messages from marketing webmasters who thought otherwise. A website called flowgofun.com wanted to let me know that I could hear a puppet named Sally explain why puppets don't fart and the dangers of photocopying my butt. Awesome!

Something called Pedipaws, "the incredible pet nail trimmer", wanted to let folks know that with their product and the equally incredible Shed-Ender, they would never have to worry about pet-scratched furniture again. I'm sure that is great comfort to those along the Gulf coast who no longer have any furniture or pets.

e-Toys had a great free shipping offer on more than 500 items. Unfortunately, UPS and FedEx are not currently delivering to all areas of metro Houston, but what the heck! It's still a great offer.

Redenvelope.com will let me save 20% on my next order, if I order online by Tuesday, September 23, 2008. Think about this. More than 99% of southeast Texas has no electricity, so . . . No power + No working computer = No online shopping. Guess who is not smarter than a 5th Grader?

Now I know where to order a "Wishing You A Speedy Hurricane Recovery" bouquet for all my friends with collapsed ceilings, fallen trees and flooded cars. Proflowers.com will give me "24 roses perfect for any occasion" and an extra 25% off TODAY! How did I get so lucky?

According to the e-ad, had I only used Tarot.com before the hurricane I could have learned to decode my dreams in order to find the shortest lines for gasoline, decide how much propane to buy for the grill and what day heavy trash pick up would be. Am I a loser or what?

Underground.Biz.com offered me the opportunity to start earning "between $200 and $900 a day working from home!" Why would I want to work from home? I have no air conditioning, no phone and the ice chest is alarmingly low on Shiner Bock. But, with "no experience necessary" tagged to the bottom of the page . . . I just have to give it a try, don't you think?

I should have probably forwarded the email from ShamWow! to my neighbor across the street, but I didn't. This amazing product promises that "You'll say WOW everytime with ShamWow! as it holds over 20 times its weight in liquids and is "perfect for household spills". It seems that neighbor left town before the storm without securing his front door. He got nine straight hours of blowing rain and debris throughout the first floor. All I can say is, ShamWow! Poor timing.

The Junk Drawer

Tonight I decided to clean the junk drawer. You know, the drawer where things end up when they have no other place to go. A sort of Bermuda Triangle for $.34 stamps, paper clips of all sizes and colors, scissors and brick-like red Ruby erasers, and souvenir coins from places like the Winchester Mystery Museum.

I found a rubber ball with a chunk ripped out of its side and five different calculaters: A large Mickey Mouse version with easy to read numbers, a small black one that runs on solar power, a credit card sized one that my fingers couldn't manipulate, and two in-betweeners. Only Mickey was operational.

I have never seen so many ballpoint pens of different races, colors and creeds in my life. There were retractables in green, blue and red. Some with big barrels and others were slim and trim. There were waitstaff pens from Outback, Champs, Willie's Icehouse and other eateries where my daughter worked during the restaurant period of her life. In fact, there were more loose pen caps than there were pens to cap. How does that happen?

Try to image how many designs are printed on pencils? Standard #2, dayglo, flowers, teddy bears, Texas A&M, University of Mary Harden Baylor, Chase Bank and Klein Bank... Klein Bank has been gone for five years. There was even a pencil sharpener that was missing its catch-cup . . . pencil shavings were scattered throughout the back of the drawer like sawdust on a tiny honky-tonk dance floor.

I found marbles and money, stamps with birds and Santa Claus, a small vending machine-type plastic globe with a gold ring . . . it was quite lovely for a something costing a quarter.

There were books of return address labels, and an envelope with photos from the past ten years. Another small envelope had expired drivers licenses for the entire family dating back to when they were 16-years-old, and assorted other forms of picture I.D.

Why does any family need more than two rulers, or one tape measure? I discovered that at some time this family needed six. There was a 3-inch ruler in pink, a 6-inch ruler in yellow, three 12-inch rulers in assorted colors and part of another ruler that could have been any size over 10-inches at one time. . . it had been broken off, probably to make it fit in junk drawer.

There were thumb tacks, push pins and map pins mixed in with loose nails and screws, and shreds of beef jerky and M&Ms wrappers.

I even found a knife from a place setting that we had tossed out ten years ago. How? I don't even want to go there!

Cleaning the junk drawer is insightful; an exploration into the mind of those who live by the saying, "A place for everything and everything in its place" ... that place being the Junk Drawer.

My Little Buddy In Pull-ups

My three-year-old grandson has a nightly ritual. Gramma reads to him about Brown Bear, Thomas the Tank Engine, or Clifford, then Pops puts his little buddy to bed with a few songs and some guy talk that girls would see as silly.

Tonight started out no different from the many bedtimes that we had shared in the past: upstairs to brush teeth with Sponge Bob toothpaste and a yellow brush, one last pee-pee in the potty before stepping into the Toy Story pull-ups with Cowboy Woody on the front, and then into bed as the last rays of twilight dissolved into night.

As he settled beneath covers printed with images of Lightning McQueen and Mater, we talked about school and the Astros and his new Slip'n'Slide. He has the slip part down, but the slide is going to take some practice.

The talk soon led to our sing-along that we enjoy each night where Pops takes the lead and then he fills in the blanks when Pops pauses. "Take me out to the" ... "BAUH GAME". "Take me out to the" ... "CRWOWD".

We sang our way through the entire library of tunes from I've Been Working On The Railroad and Five Bottles Of Milk On The Wall, to the Beatles' When I'm Sixy-Four and Do Your Ears Hang Low?. I rubbed his back as we sang and before long his breathing led me to believe that he was asleep.

It was then that he slowly rolled over and nudged his forehead into mine, saying "Pops?"

"Yeah, buddy," I replied.

"You make me happy..." he said, and then drifted off to sleep.

I was stunned by these four simple words, unsolicited, and totally unexpected. I make this little guy happy and he wanted me to know that before he went to sleep. They were spoken from the heart. The sweetest four words that I've ever heard from my little buddy in Pull-ups.

Good Eats Along the Gulf

Sampling the food at mom and pop eateries while on the road can be an adventure. Will it be bland and tasteless, or too spicy to stomach? Will it be under cooked or blackened to a charcoal consistency? But based on the advice of the locals, maybe . . . just maybe you'll find a spot or two where the meal will be served up as a unexpected treat worthy of a blog. Welcome to my vacation at Dauphin Island, Alabama.

Wrapped in a nautical theme of wall mounted trophy fish, nets and a large jewel tank aquarium, the Island's Barnacle Bill's offered a good assortment of tasty seafood and po-boys, but it was the jalapeno hushpuppies that rated them a spot in this posting. Golfball-sized and golden brown from the fryer, the hushpuppies were soft and moist on the inside and loaded with an onion-peppery punch.

It took two visits to Bayley's Restaurant in Theodore, Alabama to feed our fix for seafood at this coastal landmark. Just a short drive north of the Island on the Dauphin Island Parkway, Bayley's mid-week specials beckoned and we answered the call. Thursday night was their famous "All You Care To Eat" fried mullet and cheese grits night. They had me at the mention of cheese grits. The mullet was crispy and surprisingly light for a fried dish, and the cheese grits were the best that I can remember . . . sorry Waffle House. The encore presentation on Friday night was Bayley's famous "All You Care To Eat" fried shrimp night. Again the meal was very good, the wait staff was friendly and phrases like, "more sweet tea hon?" and "where y'all from?" could be heard throughout the dining room.

Saturday night was a belly buster as we dined at the Pelican Reef, not too far from Bayley's. It was a nice setting along the river, pleasure craft and commercial fishing boats came and went at the adjacent marina, and again, the seafood was excellent. We finished off a full pound of sweet crab claws to start; 62 golden pinchers. But what came next took dinner to another level; Wild Alabama Shrimp that had been netted earlier in the day. These mega jumbo shrimp were lightly battered and fried to create the perfect Gulf Coast delicacy. Combined with the twice baked potato filled with onions, garlic, cheese, bacon and other goodies, we went home totally satisfied convinced that no better edible treat would be had on this trip . . . we were so wrong!

On the trek home to Houston the next day we opted to stop for lunch at the famous Crawfish Town, USA in Breaux Bridge, Louisiana. After the entre' of Catfish Melee', a breaded then pan fried fillet topped with seafood etouffee, came the sweetest surprise of the entire trip; a bread pudding like no other. The thick and hearty square was covered in a hot buttery sauce and sprinkles of powdered sugar. Having spent more than a year in Savannah, Georgia, I've had good bread pudding, but nothing to compare to this Cajun creation. When pressed for the secret to this bayou delight, the waitress said only, "We use a lot of bread."

If food makes the vacation, this trip was the best ever . . . it was a getaway of good eats along the Gulf.

I Liked That

He walked into the McDonalds at lunchtime. Standing around five-foot-ten, the young man was an impressive figure in his dark slacks and tie, starched white shirt and polished black boots. On his hip was a holster where an automatic handgun was cradled, and on his head sat a white western-style hat. It was the kind that the good guys always wear.

In the small town of Giddings, Texas people come and go, and everyone seems to know one-another. The modern-style McDonalds was filling with fresh-faced high school students ordering Big Mac meals and 12-pack McNuggets before heading back for afternoon classes. The scene was chaotic on both sides of the counter as a mix of top 40 tunes played from the ceiling speakers. Orders were taken and then filled by the small staff with military precision.

As the man in the white hat made his way to the counter, students stepped aside and nodded while continuing their conversations about what teens tend to talk about. Then after placing his order he turned and walked in my direction to wait with for his call.

I noticed that the expression on his face had not changed since stepping into the madness of Mickey D's at high noon. It was a pleasant look. Not quite a smile, but pleasant, as if he were above the frey and shielded from the craziness.

A group of three young girls stood next to me jabbering about some guy, and some girl, and some issue . . . but, they paused when the man passed close by and tipped his hat saying, "ladies". They froze mid-sentence to acknowledge his act of Texas courtesy, then giggled as girls that age tend to do. I heard one quietly whisper, "wow!".

Weaving his way through the crowd he stepped past me. As he passed I looked down at the round silver badge pinned to his shirt. Within the circle was a star, and engraved around the star were the words, "Department of Public Safety - Texas Ranger". He wasn't a Walker Texas Ranger, he was a real Texas Ranger; quiet, business-like and polite to the ladies. He was minding his own business, but with a "don't mess with Texas or me" attitude. I liked that.